A New Loaf

About 14 years ago, I consciously changed my life. I had been sick for going on three years and had healed myself naturally using organic foods, herbs—you name it, I tried it. And it worked. And I was ready to live life again after hiding away for so long.

Long story short, I created a beautiful life. Truly a life beyond my wildest dreams or imagination. (Never would I have imagined I’d live in Austria, for one.) I was happy, fulfilled and my life was full of discovery and joy. It hasn’t been all roses, and there’s been lots of pain involved, as one of my biggest dreams blew up in smoke. But overall I had an amazing time. Metaphorically I had managed to bake a beautiful, fluffy, warm loaf of bread.

But now, all these years later, I’ve had to admit to myself that I’ve been living off the stale, moldy rind of that loaf for probably a few years now, if I’m being honest. It’s time to own up to that and to bake a new loaf.

The problem is, I don’t even know how to bake. I’m scared to bake. Do I even like baking? What kind of bread do I want? What if I eff it up and the dough doesn’t rise? Do I even like bread? To beat a dead metaphor, I know it’s time to co-create with the universe again and manifest the next chapter of my life. Time to put on my big girl pants and rise again (so to speak 😁). We are only blessed with so many chapters in life, and endless time to write them isn’t a given. Your story could end at any moment, and what then? What if, as Annie Lamott writes:

Oh my God, what if you wake up some day, and you’re 65, or 75, and you never got your memoir or novel written; or you didn’t go swimming in warm pools and oceans all those years because your thighs were jiggly and you had a nice big comfortable tummy; or you were just so strung out on perfectionism and people-pleasing that you forgot to have a big juicy creative life, of imagination and radical silliness and staring off into space like when you were a kid? It’s going to break your heart. Don’t let this happen. Repent just means to change direction — and NOT to be said by someone who is waggling their forefinger at you. Repentance is a blessing. Pick a new direction, one you wouldn’t mind ending up at, and aim for that. Shoot the moon.’ Or as Wayne Dyer said, ‘Don’t die with the music still in you.’ But what IS my music? What notes was I put here to write? Who needs to hear my music? Does it matter if no one hears my music, or is it only for me?

None of that matters. I have to stop grappling with the ‘what if’s’ and the fear and just do it. So a lot of my posts are probably going to be random, different things. And my Instagram account won’t be streamlined and only focused on one thing. I’m sure that will change with time, but for now I’m ok with it. It’s not about the number of followers. For now, I am writing about things that interest me, things that light me up, things I’m curious about. Because it’s time to get baking again.

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